25 April 2016

1st Week Complete!

Hello Everyone!

So here we are, 1 week in from starting our FET treatment. Wow i am shattered... i had forgotten how utterly exhausting it is to do this. Not only from the stress of it all but the DR drug Buserelin is literally like a sedative! Ha ha. Ok, maybe not quite a sedative, but you get my meaning! 

Aside from feeling hungry all the time (this could also be from the steroids though) being more tearful than usual and feeling a little nauseous, it is just the tiredness that is a struggle again. I read back on this blog to when i was DR the first time round and saw that i was complaining of the exact same thing then. I want to go to bed as soon as i can in the evenings, and even if i have an amazing sleep i still feel tired a few hours after waking up.

The injections are going well. Most of the time it can be a bit tricky to get the needle in but on the odd occasion it is going in relatively easy. My tummy is starting to look like a dot-to-dot now though! Ha ha.

I am due my period today seeing as i am now on CD28. However there is no guarantee that it will happen today, in fact the Buserelin can actually delay your period. So i am expecting to come on within the next 2-3 days or so. After AF has arrived then i can email the clinic to let them know, and continue the countdown to the Base Scan on the 5th.

Now we are a week in i have settled in to the treatment quite well i think. I am again not thinking so much about the end goal. More so the little goals in between. Like each injection, and getting to the scan dates, and eventually ET and OFD (Official Test Date). I feel that i am living each day as it happens, but also keeping a positive mind on things.

As my brother said to me 'Stay Positive, and it will Be Positive'. Bless him, i don't think he quite realises how much i have kept that comment in my mind.

Thank you all for your positive thoughts for us!

Take Care All xxx

19 April 2016

Just like a Dart!

Hello Everyone!

You will all be pleased to know that yesterday went perfectly. Must have been due to my lucky orange pants and Pandora bracelet...

On the long drive up to Bourn Hall, Phil and i had been talking about how we felt about what might happen in the next coming months, and how we both were excited to start the process. We spoke about how wonderful Emma is, and how lucky we are to have her. It was strange to think that hopefully today we would be taking the steps to change the rest of our lives.

We arrived at the clinic in good time for our 9:30am appointment with Dr Matthews, and just like the drive, everything went smoothly from there after. We were called in and Dr Matthews firstly apologised about the problems we had with our blood test results. That was really nice of him to take a moment to do that. Then he went on to say how lovely it was that we were able to have Emma on our first try a few years ago, he asked if she was a good girl, and said that he suspects she is spoiled by her Nanny and Grandad. We all laughed as Phil and i both agreed that yes, she is!

He then went on to ask what we would like to do next, would we like to go straight ahead with the FET, or would we be looking to have any more IVF in the future. We said that we would only wish to use our remaining 2 embryos in the hope of creating a sibling for Emma, and that we wouldn't be able to consider IVF due to the costs, and the fact that of course there are no guarantees that any treatment will result in a child. We felt that it was best for us to give the FET our very best attempt. That any savings that we have should go to our child's(ren) happiness and quality of life, rather than the possibility of another. For us to not get lost in a dream, and for Emma's life to be on hold. Dr Matthews agreed with us, and said that it was a healthy way to look at things.

So then he asked when we would like to start treatment, to which i replied 'today?'. He agreed to start us today, and that he would arrange the prescription for the DR solution, Buserelin. He also said that because we have 2 embryos only, and that on average 60% of embryos survive the thawing process, he would like to thaw them both and put both back in my womb at the time of ET (Embryo Transfer) to give us the best chance possible. He wanted to stress that putting them both back could mean a strong chance of a multiple pregnancy, which in itself can have risk factors. We took his thoughts on board but agreed to the choice to put both back. If both thaw well that is...

After a little wait we then went in to see a Nurse, her name was Laura. She gave us our treatment plan, including an estimated date of ET! These details are as follows:

18/04/16 - DR begins. Start injecting 0.5mgs of Buserelin at 6pm.

05/05/16 - Baseline Scan at 10:15am. Then hopefully start Progonova tablets (to build up my womb lining) and reduce the Buserelin down to 0.2mgs.

17/05/16 - Lining Scan at 14:45pm. To check that my womb lining is growing well.

24/05/16 - Provisional ET date! If my lining has grown well then this will likely be the day that the embryos will be thawed and placed back into my womb.

It is so nice to have a plan in place! I have added each of the above dates into a countdown app on my mobile, i love watching the time pass by. What is also really lovely is that if the transfer does happen on the 24th May we will be on holiday in Centre Parcs. Luckily we will be closer to the clinic, and Phil's parents will be able to entertain Emma for a couple of hours whilst we scoot up there and have them put in. Then i can just relax, go for gentle walks, be among the trees and nature, and let the embryos snuggle in and become our baby(s).

After seeing the Nurse we then went in to collect our Buserelin and needles, sharps box etc. It was the same room we were in years ago which bought back some lovely memories. The whole morning was a wonderful look back at our journey to bring home Emma. The grounds of Bourn Hall are so beautiful, and all you can hear are birds tweeting. It makes you feel so relaxed and we both felt positive, and happy to be starting treatment. On the drive home we stopped for lunch at the same services that we had stopped off at for each appointment years before, i expect i shall do the same when i go to my next appointments.

At 5:40pm i got everything organised for the first injection. The process was very similar to the original injections i did. The bag to carry it all in in different this time though, a lovely shade of purple. I expect i will use it still in the future! Handy! What made me laugh is the 'helpful' guide to injecting yourself. Even though i had done it many times before, starting again was very frightening. The process of injecting yourself just doesn't fit right in my mind. No matter how many times i try to trick myself in to thinking it is normal, it isn't! Ha ha. The guide is very informative and uses the phrase 'insert the needle into the tummy area with a 'dart like' motion'. A dart!? How do you comprehend using a dart like motion to stab yourself! Ha ha.

Anyway, at 6pm, everything was ready to go:

It took a few minutes but i finally managed to do my 1st injection with very little problem. I now have a small series of little red pin prick dots from 'practice shots'. After a few minutes, like the time i did my 1st injection before, my skin surrounding the injection site came up in a small bumpy, rash. Similar to a stingy nettle rash. However after a while it reduced back to normal and i just had a bit of stinging in the area for a while.

So step one has been taken! We are on our way, and can't wait to watch the weeks unfold.

Take Care All x

17 April 2016

The Beginning of the End

Hello Everyone!

The day is almost here to start our second journey to becoming mummy and daddy again to another beautiful miracle. Just 12 hours stand between the 3 of us and the beginning of the end of this chapter of our lives. At this moment in time i am very excited to begin our FET. It has been a long time coming, and i can't wait to get to the clinic tomorrow.

Looking at Emma today has been strange, little does she know that from tomorrow mummy and daddy are going to be trying everything they can to create a cherished sibling for her. A forever friend, someone who will be there for all of her future milestones, and she for all of theirs. Someone who she can confide in, tell secrets to, learn from and teach. Our dream for our second child is only surpassed by our wish for Emma to have a brother or a sister.

As we embark on this new chapter i am feeling both excited and anxious. I am ready to welcome the road ahead. Ready for the injections, the lining scans, the multiple hours driving to and from the clinic. I am ready for transfer day, and being PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). I am ready for the OTD (official test date) and for the pregnancy scan that comes after a positive test. All of those goals i am mentally prepared for, and eager to face and pass.

Then hidden behind the excitement and positivity my anxiety creeps in.

What if the embryos don't thaw? What if they do thaw but they don't implant? What if we get a positive pregnancy test, but the scan shows no heartbeat... What if we go through all of the treatment and do not get our second miracle.

What happens after that?

I can't bear to think about that yet. We must keep our minds on our goal, and take each step as it comes.

We are incredibly lucky to have Emma, and can only hope that our 2 little embryos are strong like she was. That they snuggle in and stay sticky so they can be born into our waiting, open arms.

Take Care All xxx

11 April 2016

Countdown to Consultation

Hello Everyone!

The countdown has reached an exciting time. 1 week to go! This time next week we will have had our appointment and hopefully have a plan in place to start DR straight away! One of the ladies on BabyCentre who has had a FET has said that she started on her CD21, so there is hope for us.

My weight is ok, it could be better, it could be worse. Hopefully can shift just a couple more pounds to make me feel a bit better about it, but it should be acceptable. It doesn't really help that i have had to start taking steroids again for my eye, only 5mg though. They shouldn't be a problem for the FET. Apparently some ladies are put on steroids to help with implantation, so maybe it is a good thing?

Thankfully our lab report was accepted by Bourn Hall too! How things can flip so quickly is crazy!

We are feel happy and confident (but not overly confident) about our FET. We have an excellent quality embryo, and a great quality embryo waiting for us, so as long as they thaw nicely then we will be putting both back in, and with any luck one (or both!) will become our much longed for baby (or babies!) and sibling for Emma. A good way to look at it i guess is to know that it has already been decided, what will be will be, and all we have control over is how we approach each step.

So for now all we have to do is look forward to our appointment, we have everything ready and in place to start on Monday. All we need is a little faith and luck.

Oh, and i need to find some orange knickers! Ha ha!

Take Care All xxx

4 April 2016

Apple Cart

Hello Everyone,

So my apple cart has well and truly tipped over! I am in a state of shock, disbelief and just amazement at how so many things can change and have individual problems in getting us to our goal.

This morning i woke up with the feeling that our consultation appointment was going to be changed. Low and behold at around 11am i received a call and then voicemail on my phone from Sharon at Bourn Hall to say that our consultant is no longer available on the 15th April. She asked if i could call her back to re-arrange. After much stress the appointment has now changed to Monday 18th April at 9:30am.

This will be Cycle Day 21.

The day that DR (Down Regulation) is meant to start.

I mentioned to Sharon that the reason of us bringing the treatment forward was because of my medical condition, and that starting the treatment as soon as possible was the whole point. She said she knows that the consultant would move to start everything as soon as he could, and hopefully it could be on the 18th still.

Alongside that i have called and spoken to Jim at the GUM clinic. He has confirmed that we are ok to collect the lab reports on Wednesday, but again mentioned that it was strange that Bourn Hall were asking for it. He also mentioned though that the lab reports would not have our names on them, only our GUM clinic reference and date of birth. However the letters he wrote for us originally will have our names, date of birth and GUM clinic reference on them, so all that Bourn Hall would have to do is put the 2 letters together.

I rang Bourn Hall back to let them know the above and i am waiting for the nurses to come back to me as to whether that is ok... if it is not then the whole process starts again! I can not believe that it has taken a month to get nowhere!

I feel stressed and that nothing is going right. I don't understand why it is so difficult to bring everything together at the moment.

What started as a good day has now turned into a bad one.

Take Care All x

29 March 2016

16 Days!

Hello Everyone!

We have 16 days left until our consultation appointment! The days have just been plodding by, not too fast or too slow. Everything was going smoothly, but now of course there has been a hiccup!

I had a voicemail on my phone from Bourn Hall asking me to call them back about our blood test results that i had posted to them. Basically the way the results were presented to them in the letter could not be accepted. They needed the actual lab report. Panic stations!!!

I called the GUM clinic and they said that Jim (the man who did the tests and results for us) would be away until the 4th April, but it is unusual for Bourn Hall to have asked for the lab report because they haven't given one out in the 10 years she had worked there. More panic!!! The woman asked if i wanted to speak to someone else but i said no, and that i would call back on the 4th April to speak to Jim. We had built a good rapport so hopefully he will be able to fix this for us.

So we were back to waiting for my period to start so i could work out what CD (cycle day) i would be on at our appointment. My cycles tend to be pretty regular, mostly 28 days in length, give or take the odd day here and there. With that in mind i had worked out that i would be on CD22 on the day of our appointment. That was annoying because treatment would need to begin on CD21, and because i would be 1 day over we would have to wait for another month before starting. 

However! Fate has changed that now because my period was 4 days late (what the?)! So now i will be on CD18 on the day of our appointment! Hopefully this will mean we can start our second journey with this cycle! Isn't it funny how things work out like that?

I spoke to Emma at Bourn Hall today to let them know that i would be on CD18 on the 15th, to prepare the consultant and let him know that we would be ready and eager to start as soon as they could fit us in. Plus i mentioned that i had spoken to the GUM clinic about the lab report and told her what they had said about it being unusual. Emma said that she was sure i would have no trouble in getting a copy of the lab report, and that i am entitled to have it anyway. Hopefully i will be able to collect a copy from Jim next week and fax it to Bourn Hall in time.

Worst case scenario is that we will have to have the blood tests at Bourn Hall, which will cost a small fortune, and we will need to travel up there to have them done. I really do hope Jim can come through for us and get us a copy.

Finger crossed everyone!

Take Care All x

7 March 2016

Settling In

Hello Everyone,

It has been a week now since i was asked to bring forward our FET due to my recently diagnosed medical condition and i think the reality of our impending treatment is finally starting to settle in. For the first few days we were both in a bit of a daze about the whole thing, but now that we have told a few special people, and let them in to what is going on with us, it has started to become real.

I am a mixture of massive excitement and increasing worry over it all. At this time though i am mostly thinking of positive thoughts, and looking forward to April, and having our consultation so i can confirm dates and get a schedule set out in front of me. I am much better when there is a plan to things. I think until April 15th comes i will just be in this unbalanced state, unsure of where the journey this time around will take us.

Last week we received the paperwork through from Bourn Hall confirming the booked consultation, and containing various forms for us to read or complete before our appointment. The price list for treatment was also included, which was interesting for me to see because with our first IVF experience we didn't have any of that due to the cost being covered by the NHS. Thankfully this time we have our embryos already so that reduces the cost greatly.

Also i managed to arrange for Phil and i to have our blood tests at the hospital, saving us a fair amount. I should get the results of those some time this week, all printed out and ready to take with us. Perfect.

Sometimes things that you plan can change and maybe you don't know why yet, but after a while the reason for the change becomes clear. When we were booked in for our first cycle to have our daughter Emma, the first week of injections just so happened to fall within a Centre Parcs holiday we had arranged months before we even knew about the IVF taking place. Last year we booked another holiday to Centre Parcs, this time to go with Phil's parents in late May of this year. That was fine because we were not meant to be having the FET until July. Now that the cycle has been brought forward it would not be a surprise to me if we have an appointment to visit Bourn Hall within that holiday week, or for us to even have the embryo's thawed and replaced in that week. Clearly Centre Parcs plays an important role in our fertility! Ha ha!

I am a firm believer in fate, and that if it is meant to be... it will be. Maybe it is a sign of good luck that we are going away again during treatment? Who knows... In the mean time though i will continue to speculate about how this year will pan out. We just can't help but hazard a guess at these things!

Take Care All xxx 

1 March 2016

The journey continues...

Hello Everyone!

Wow... what a wonderful few years it has been. It will be hard to put it all into a few paragraphs but they have been the most amazing and perfect years of my life so far. Our beautiful daughter Emma has been the centre of our world since she was born and we love her more than we could ever imagine.

Watching her grow every day has been such a privilege and i am so lucky to be her mummy. Seeing all of her milestones, sitting up, crawling, walking, getting her teeth through and chattering away with her sweet little voice. She makes us laugh every day. We could not be more proud of how beautiful and clever our little baby girl has become.

Now it has come to the time of arranging our next step of adding to our family with using our 2 little frozen embryos to hopefully create a second (and maybe third!) baby for us, and a sibling for Emma. We were looking to start the process this July, however due to medical reasons (i have been recently diagnosed with Orbital Myositis, it causes painful inflammation in the muscles surrounding my eyes), and at a hospital appointment yesterday i have been asked to bring the treatment forward! 

So yesterday i called Bourn Hall and have arranged for us to have our consultation appointment on Friday 15th April, with a view to start treatment from the following cycle. Looking at my period dates i have guessed that this would be around the last week of April, possibly with thawing and replacing 1 or 2 embryo's back mid to late May. I will know more of course in April, this is all just guess work for now.

It is all happening rather fast isn't it?

This time we will be paying for our treatment and the next step for us both to have HIV, Hep B&C blood tests done. We both need to have them because even though Phil isn't necessarily needed for the FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) they need to make sure he is not able to pass anything on to me at any point. Bourn Hall do offer all of those tests, however they are very expensive, so my first job is to call our GP and our local GUM clinic to see if they can offer them for free or for a lesser fee. Then it is simply a case of me loosing some weight, taking Pregnacare Pre-Conception, working out what medication i can take to ease my eye pain whilst having the FET (i am currently taking something that is only helping slightly and can not be taken whilst pregnant) because i will need to eventually go on Immunosuppressants , and waiting for our April appointment.

Our thoughts at the moment are ones of shock. We were not expecting this to happen for a while so it has all of a sudden hit us. I am looking forward to our treatment, if this can give us our much wanted second child then our family will be complete. I wish that it works, please let us be lucky again! I do have moments of sadness that the embryos will not survive the thawing process, or that 1 or both of them will not burrow down into my womb and grow into a beautiful baby. All we can do again is be positive but cautious. We will deal with every step as it arrives.

I hope that it happens for us, but i have to think of the other possible outcome... of us being a 3 person family. Sometimes i am really sad about that, but other times i think of Emma, and realise how so very lucky we are to have her, and think that if she is our one and only... then that is also ok too. 

All that is left to do it wait and see what fate brings us.

Take Care All xxx

19 December 2013


Hello Everyone,

She is 10 days old now and finally i am able to introduce to you all our beautiful miracle baby girl:

Emma Annabel Cole - Born on Monday the 9th December at 10:33pm:

I expect you are wondering why it has taken so long to update this blog, well... let me tell you, you will not be disappointed! I don't do things by halves! Ha ha.

After our consultant scan and midwife appointment on Thursday the 5th it was decided that our induction would be moved forward to the Saturday, oh god! Her growth was fine, and they estimated her to be 7lb 2oz but just to be on the safe side i was booked to go in to hospital for 8:30am on the 7th.

We arrived at the hospital on time (of course! ha ha) and i got settled onto the ward and a pessary was put in at 9:40am. We were really excited for the whole process to start and were so happy that we were close to meeting our precious baby girl. With the idea to get things moving we walked up and down the halls of the hospital. On that first day we must of walked 10 miles! My friend Robyn popped in for an hour (but ended up staying until Emma was born! Ha ha, sneaky!) and by 9pm i had only managed to get to 2 cm's dilated... gutting... So Phil and Robyn went home and the plan was to have another pessary put in the following day.

That night was awful... i got no sleep due to a woman who literally sounded like a bear snoring in the next bay to me, and on the other side of me there was a woman making so much noise you would think she had got to 10 cm's in 5 minutes. Turns out she was only 1! In the end, and at 5:30am the midwives decided that i could be moved to a private room so i could get some sleep. I was shattered and mentally stressed, they should of moved me sooner really, but oh well. I managed to get about 2 hours sleep.

Phil and Robyn arrived at just after 9am on the Sunday and i was moved back to the ward and a second pessary was put in. With the frame of mind to get Emma out we all must of walked over 15 miles of the hospital corridors! I was bouncing on a ball, and even got in a bath at one point. I had a fair few contractions throughout the afternoon which suggested that things were underway but when i was checked we were disappointed to find out that i was still only 2cm's! A plan was made that on Monday i would be put on the drip to try and speed things up. In preparation for this, and also for my sanity i was moved to the Central Delivery suite, again into a private room so i could get some sleep. Monday was going to be a busy day!

With enthusiasm at 9am, Phil and Robyn arrived once more! It didn't take long for me to be put on the drip, but first i would have to have an epidural. My original birth plan was to have only gas and air, with the possibility of Pethidine if things got really bad. This is because, if you recall, when i was with Robyn at the birth of her daughter Erica in January her epidural experience was awful! However, there was nothing i could do, if i wanted the drip, then i had to have an epidural, simple as. All the paperwork was sorted, and i was given gas and air so i could get through the whole experience. It seemed to take hours to get the bloody thing in, and Phil and Robyn tell me i came out with some classic comments, such as 'i really like that doctor with the beard' (he was doing the epidural! ha ha), and 'i do love Loz (Robyn's husband) but he does have funny hair'! Ha ha, love it!

The epidural went in with minimal fuss and the drip was started. Here we go! Or so we thought.

After about 6 hours, and lots of chatting i was checked to see how far gone i was, we had made it to 4 cm's! I was hoping it would be more, but at least it was progress! I had already had my waters broken in the morning (which was the most painful thing i had ever experienced... why they couldn't of done it after the epidural had been put in is beyond me...) and according to the monitor was contracting well, so the drip was increased.

That is when things started to go a bit down hill...

Emma did not like the increase at all. Every time i had a contraction her heart rate dipped. The midwives and doctors decided that they would monitor it for a while, but soon came to the idea that they would reduce the drip again. After a few more hours things had not got any better. Emma's heart rate was still dipping with the contractions, and at 9pm i was checked to see how dilated i was and we were gutted to find that i was still only 4 cm's! A decision had to be made... she would have to be born via EMCS (Emergency Caesarean Section).

Things went a bit mad after that, consent forms were signed and Phil was asked to change into scrubs for the operating theatre. Robyn bless her was not able to join us in the theatre which was really upsetting, poor girl had been through it over the past few days! Then we were taken to theatre.

All the checks were made, and the Local Anesthetic was given to me, however it didn't work! I had to be put under General Anesthetic and Phil had to leave the theatre and wait outside the doors!

Emma was born at 10:33pm on the 9th of December and she weighed 6lb 15oz! Phil heard her first cries and within 10 minutes she was passed to him in the corridor for first cuddles.

Unfortunately my first memories of her birth are no longer mine... i only remember opening my eyes and seeing Phil holding her and Robyn standing next to him. Then i remember being given a massive ice cube to suck on... that is it. I was heartbroken...

Phil had to leave the hospital at just after 1am and Emma and i were moved to a ward. I could go in to lots of detail about my stay in hospital but there is so much more to say so i shall just mention that Emma was perfect, i was in a lot of pain and could hardly move, not really ideal when you have just had a baby, but at least she was safe. It turns out the Emma would never of come out naturally because she was being pushed down onto my pelvis with each contraction, hence why her heart rate was dropping all the time. If we had not had the EMCS who knows what might of happened! As a result of the pushing she was born with a large bruise on the back of her head, which has now faded.

We had lots of checks from midwives and pediatricians on the ward and were finally discharged on Wednesday the 11th December. I could not wait to get home as i found it really hard to be in hospital without Phil and my home comforts. Especially as i could barely look after myself, let alone Emma due to the amount of pain i was in.

Now, you would think that this would be the end of my story... but no, it gets more complicated!

Whilst at home i found that i was struggling to catch my breath, it felt as though someone was standing on my chest and i was unable to lie down on my left side and back and breathe. At first i thought that it was just because i had had the EMCS, i thought that maybe it was normal and i was just going to have to wait until it healed. However by Sunday i decided that something wasn't right and at 11pm Phil, Emma, Phil's mum Chris and I arrived at the hospital. We were seen pretty quickly due to the nature of my complaint, after blood tests, monitoring and a doctor listening to my chest i was moved to a side room for further testing, which included a chest x-ray. We waited and waited and waited and at around 5am the consultant broke the news that i had Pneumonia. What the...!

Whilst it is not common, it is also not unheard of to catch Pneumonia after an operation, and i had caught it. I had a partial collapse on my right lung, and fluid on both lungs. No wonder i could hardly breathe! We were all in shock. After another long wait we were moved over to the maternity ward because the doctors decided it was safer for Emma to be away from the main hospital. We were again put in a private room and told that i would be having a CT scan to check for blood clots.

At around 8:30pm Phil and Chris had to leave, i was so upset... how could i look after my newborn baby by myself now that not only had i had major surgery, but also had a serious medical condition! I was devastated, and did not have a good night at all. Alongside that my right breast had cracked (due to Emma being offered it after my General Anesthetic and clearly she latched on wrong) and i was in agony with it. Although i had been trying to ride through the pain, with the new diagnosis i felt that it was just too much, so i expressed milk for her from that side. It was trial and error, my left breast was used a lot more because she didn't seem to get full from the amount given to her from expressing so i had to top her up from it each time. Then as a result it was becoming a little sore, i was so worried that we would have to stop breastfeeding, and the hospital midwives were useless with any advice and kept suggesting that i was not latching on correctly. I was getting really annoyed.

On Tuesday morning Phil arrived to Emma and I snuggled up together, which was lovely! We spent the whole day waiting for the CT scan, which eventually happened at 2pm. A dye was injected into my veins so they could test to see if the was a clot in my lungs or heart. It was horrible. I then went back to my prison cell... i mean side room! I was told that the doctor would have to review everything and would come back with a decision of what to do, however in the mean time i would start taking an antibiotic called Amoxicillin which would treat the Pneumonia and thus heal the collapse and reduce the fluid on my lungs.

More waiting and waiting, and then it was time for Phil to leave us again. I had really struggled with giving Emma the expressed milk and my left breast was continuing to get more tender, so we decided that Phil would get me some nipple shields so that i could hopefully stop expressing milk and start using my right breast again. We hoped that Emma would have a full feed off both breasts alternatively and i would not have to use the left breast to top up the right side expressed feed. I spoke to the midwives at the hospital about this idea and they were against it, but we didn't care... we are her parents, and as you will see shortly... we do know best, ha ha!

After another awful night of the midwives popping in to check my blood pressure every hour, and listening to them laughing and talking loudly in the hall i had had enough and was ready to leave. I was feeling so low, and Phil was really missing his girls at home. We had already had an awful birth experience and this second hospital stay was really pushing us to the limits. We had both had a good cry, and just needed to be home together as a family so we could try to fix the mess that had been caused.

We spent the morning together, relaxing and watching comedy shows on Phil's phone, it was really lovely. Plus the nipple shields are fantastic! Emma took to them straight away and we were able to carry on with our breastfeeding journey. I was so happy and proud of her, and of myself for persevering and ignoring the midwives opinions, I felt awesome!

I was desperate to go home and i could tell the midwives wanted to get rid of me too, i did not feel welcome at all. Out of the blue we were visited by a doctor who told me that she was going to try and get me home today, the consultant had decided that i did not have a clot but i was to have an ultrasound to see how much fluid there was on my lungs, and whether i would need to have it removed (they would do this by using a needle, inserted between my ribs, to draw out the fluid... i was not looking forward to that). She had a meeting to attend first but promised she would be back later to do the ultrasound.

Thankfully she kept to her word and arrived to my room at about 4pm, machine in tow, and got straight on with the ultrasound, i was so happy and impressed by her efficiency. She was satisfied that the fluid amount in both lungs was not large enough to need draining so her assistant gathered up the huge pile of needles and other items that she would of used to drain them... phew!

We were then told that the original doctors that had seen me on Sunday night would have to discharge me, but apparently they had not realised that i was still at the hospital! So that is why it had taken almost 4 days to get the the point of me being able to leave! Phil and I were furious! I had spent the past 4 days in the place i least wanted to be, and i was becoming mentally unwell. It had taken forever it seemed to organise and sort out something that could of been dealt with in maybe just 1 or 2 days.

However, thankfully the original doctors didn't waste any more time and came to my room quite soon after the lovely doctor had left to organise my discharge (i must just mention that the midwives had tried to get my to discharge myself... isn't that outrageous! As if i would do that!). They said the chemist had already sorted my medication to fight the Pneumonia and it was just a case of waiting for that to be delivered to me.

At 8pm Phil and I finally left the hospital... it was cold, and it was raining... but it was a magical moment and a few tears of joy and relief fell from my eyes.

The first 10 days of my daughter's life have been a mix of emotions, i am so happy and overwhelmed by her presence in our lives. She is amazing and we are incredibly lucky to have her. She is beautiful and healthy, and we look forward to every day with her.

Her birth though has been so traumatic for me, and now i have a serious illness that i need to get through. I have many issues with what has happened to me and my little family in the past week or so. I will deal with them one day, but for now i must hold on to the good things, and start to enjoy my time together with my husband and my daughter.

They say that children can break the strongest of relationships, but my love for Phil has never been stronger. He is my rock and i love him and need him more than i ever have... and he loves me too.

We are truly blessed...

Take Care All x

3 December 2013

1 Week Left!

Hello Everyone,

Wow... i have made it to 39 weeks... 1 week to go! Argh! Who would of thought it! People said that for the last few weeks time seems to slow down, but not for me! It is still going at a ridiculous rate!

Baby Dave will be here soon, and because of our induction date this time next Tuesday (unless she comes earlier) i will hopefully be in the throes of labour!

Rewinding back a bit though, there is lots to tell...

So i had the regular 38 week midwife appointment last week and all was going really well until she measured my bump. Dave has been above the 50th centile line (almost at the 90th line at one stage) throughout the whole of my pregnancy, but with the new bump measurement that day Dave went below the 10th centile line for growth. You might think that that is ok, and that we shouldn't really worry because it is a tape measurement and they are not 100% accurate, but the midwife who measured me is the head midwife... so she knows what she is doing.

Anyway, she decided that i need another growth scan and contacted the hospital to book me in there and then. She also said that she would like me to go for regular CTG's (a trace of the baby's heartbeat), including having one that day. The hospital came back with an appointment time of 11:30 for the next Thursday and then i made my way to the MAU (Maternity Unit) to have the CTG.

I arrived at the hospital and was put on the monitor quite quickly. After just 30 minutes i was able to go home, all was well and i was asked to come back on Monday for another trace.

Then on Saturday i had my Baby Shower! I was so excited for my party! It was a small gathering of close family and friends and we had such a good time. My mother-in-law hosted it for me, and my sister Sharon took care of the games and activities! There was loads of food and so many laughs! I had a nice new top on that i bought especially and i felt really loved. I had a fantastic time and feel so lucky to have such a wonderful group of people around me.

On Monday morning Phil and i made our way to the hospital again for the second CTG. I was on the machine for almost an hour this time. Again it all went really well, although i didn't really feel Dave move much, and movement has slowed down quite a lot, that might just be normal though. The midwife said that i did not need to come in for another trace as i have my scan booked for Thursday. She also said that if i felt worried then i could always come back at any time.

That brings us to now, with a day or so to go until we have our growth scan. I have mixed feelings about it. I am really looking forward to seeing Dave again, seeing how much she has grown, and what is nice is that Phil has taken the day off so he can come along too. However i am not sure what our options will be following the scan... Will we be ok to wait until the 10th for our induction, or will they bring it forward? Maybe i will even be induced on Thursday?

Will she of grown enough by then to keep her in? Or will they think it is best to get her out as soon as possible? Chances are she is going to be smaller than we first thought, possibly just over 6lb, so we have bought a few tiny baby items for her just encase. It might be better for her to come out sooner rather than later because that way i will be able to look after her and feed her up quicker.

So this is where we are... teetering on the edge of the unknown. Our baby could be here in a few days... and she will be here for definite in just over a week.

Are we ready???

Of course we are... 6 days to go.

Take Care All x